Monday, October 26, 2009

The Best Moment of Being Mom

The last few days I have really began to wonder whether or not I was cut out to have three kids. I'm not a very "kiddish" person at times, I get snippy quite easily, I hate lots of loud noise and I constantly crave ME time. My friends make me think this is normal, but then I see those moms who homeschool their five kids, relish in the monotany and seem perfectly happy at home day after day after day. What do they know that I don't? Looking at pictures of myself in my early twenties, I feel like a completely different person, I don't even know the old person, I'm not sure if I would want to know the old person. Being a mom seems to be filled with extremes. I have felt anger and frusteration that I never knew existed and at the same time intense love. Love so strong I just wanted to bury my face into their skin, just to smell their sweet smell. I've rocked them to sleep at night and felt my eyes burn thinking when I die all I want in the world is to bring that sweet smell of my babies with me. I want to protect them from anything and everything that is not beautiful and wonderful and positive in the world. I want everyone to see them as I see them. It amazes me how you can feel so opposite about something all in one day... maybe even one hour.
Some of the most beautiful moments with each of my children have been as they first entered the world. First, I LOVE the Labor and Delivery unit in the hospital. I get chills just walking through it. I love the sound of the heart monitor. I love epidurals :)
Which brings me to the birth of Aviana. I have been meaning to write this story for six months! April 5th I was hiking in the Red Rocks with my boys, April 6th I was giving birth and screaming so loud they closed the door, so I wouldn't scare anyone down the hall. All day I had been having random contractions. Definitely, did not think anything of it. Yet looking back I must have known on some level, since I spent about $300 at the grocery store that day and then came home was cleaning like crazy and then passed out on my bed at 5pm. I woke up an hour later and really wanted to take a bath. My contractions were strong, but easily managable and still not regular. By 6:30 they were VERY strong, but still not super close together. I called L&D for a little reassurance. They said not to worry, probably just pre-labor. If you come in now, we will send you home. Ten minutes later I called my mom. It's not really anything, but just in case could you come up? They are in the middle of dinner and will be on their way in the next hour. I say, take your time! In a little over an hour, things go from, I can do this, to Michael, call them and tell them I want the epidural AS SOON AS I GET THERE!!!!! As soon as my mom and step-dad arrived we were out the door. I was clutching the car door and breathing throught the contractions all the way to the hospital. Michael was a crazy man, trying to run red lights, skipping through stop signs. I remember I kept saying, drive carefully, we're OK. As soon, as we arrive and begin filling out paper work, the contractions zing through me like a bolt of lightning. I cannot talk, I cannot write, I put my head down and clutch my belly. Get her to a room the nurse yells. They check me. I am near 7 centimeters! I want the @#$%^&% epidural, I scream. Honey we are sorry, it's too late. You are going to push soon. WHAT???!!?? I FREAK. I want the epidural NOW!!! Through much begging, crying and screaming, I get the epidural at 9 centimeters. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.... heaven. You can push whenever you are ready. Twenty minutes with all my might and she is HERE! Black hair, chubby body, beautiful baby girl, perfect in every way. I am completely in love. Avi was born at 10:57 pm. I remember staying awake all night, just so I could stare at her. I couldn't believe she was really mine. I kept checking under the blankets to see if she was really a girl. She latched on right away and nursed the entire night. I just wanted to go home right away and be with my baby and introduce her to her big brothers. But, we were on our way to my not so favorite part of the hospital... post partum. They don't leave you alone. You can't rest. They all have advice. Some are actually scary and you don't want them touching your beautiful new baby.
Going home is the best. I always get teary. I got teary when I saw Dylan after Soren was born and I I got teary seeing both of my boys after Avi was born. It's the end of a chapter and the beginning of the next. It's an adjustment. I'm still adjusting most days. I'm trying not to feel inadequate, even though I feel as though I can never do enough for these little beings. I am grateful they chose me. I am grateful for this challenge. I am grateful for these growing pains and I hate to think of who I would be without these children, my greatest teachers.
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Tami N said...

Oh Aubrey your post hit home for me about how you can feel so many emotions in one day. Lately I've been feeling the same way...wondering how I can get through the day, wondering if I'm still cut out to be a SAHM...but then can't stand to think of someone else taking care of my girls. So yes, you are normal...we ALL are!

Loved Avi's birth story...

Susie said...

Great Post! Why didn't I see this yesterday? You really wrote these emotions so eloquently. We are all in the same boat so I feel better that I am in a sea of ladies struggling right along with me. It is amazing how our emotions seem to run amuck (sp?) and we can't seem to stay in a positive happy light all day but such is life. You are an amazing Mom so don't doubt yourself. We all have bad, days, hours, moments. And those super Mom's? I really don't actually know any REAL ladies like that do you?

Livsmom said...

Thanks for the great post! You really speak for me at times! The birth story was awesome!!